Or they hate me. Because, with one interview they have achieved what I once thought was impossible. What hanging out/feuding with Paris Hilton, screeching poorly written “pop” songs, sleeping with Valderrama and Carter, skipping out on work with childish excuses that make ‘the dog ate my homework” seem like the height of plausibilty and originality, and generally acting like the sort of skanky star-struck groupie that band-aids would look down on, couldn’t do. They have made me dislike Lindsay Lohan even more than I dislike Jennifer Lopez. (What with Lopez dropping out of the Dallas fiasco and staying away from all media outlets, I dare say I may even *like* Lo the elder original recipe. Well, I don’t actively despise her anymore. But I digress.) Dislike is too active a verb. Maybe just dismiss. Well since she’s 20, I’ll settle for smacking her mama. Who is clearly even more clueless.
I was taking a trip through Lohanland, and if I had to pen a travel article on my stay there, it would be one-word short, and in the diction of its indigigenous people: “Whatever.” -Andrew Goldman
Seriously, she comes across as a vacuous, vain, stunningly self-obsessed, whiny, entitled, though not uncharismatic, moron. With fabulous hair. So far, so good. Classic Lindsay. I love it.
God love her, those are perfect qualities for a movie star. But if you’re a starlet name-checking Meryl Streep, Garrison Keillor, and people who actually work for a living, if you are going to bitch about paprazzi chasing you while giving them your private cell phone number, if you’re going to insist that people respect you whe you miss work intervies, and generally waste everyone’s time while insisting that you are a hard worker, well honey, be glad God loves you because the rest of us can no longer be bothered. For the love of all that’s holy girl, don’t speak. The skanky pictures are one thing, let people speculate all the want. But LiLo, Lins, unless you have a script writer on retainer, shut up!
I’m a big believer in karma, hence the fact that I’ve studied kabbalah.
Yeah, I have a dark side. I go to my dark side. I watched all these videos on Charles Manson for a while.
Those are among Lilo’s more intelligent quotes. Her secret visits to museums, her desire to take the high road with Paris Hilton (after spilling the dirt of course) and her lofty ambition to entertain the troops all by herself as the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe’s Sex-Kitten-Pin-Up image in Iraq are even better. She’s trying to arrange a trip to the Middle-east with Hilary Clinton, a woman who has been suggested as a candidate for the first female president of the United States and the person she wants to emulate? A druggy, insecure, mediocre actress with extensive body work, and self destructive taste in men. Suddenly it all seems so clear.
And Nina Garcia? Don’t ever let me catch talk about a designer’s “taste level” being “vulgar”! You and your minions dressed that girl up like Jodie Foster’s child prostitute meets Julia Robert’s Pretty Woman meets Dead-Eyed-Studio-54-Coke-Whore.* Plus, you obviously didn’t actually read the article that went with those skanky photos because you’d know that we can indeed “get enough of” Rachel Zoe’s Lindsay Lohan’s personal style.
*I guess should have expected as much from the good friend of Lohan’s style guru Rachel Zoe. Man, can Nina Garcia and Michael Kors opssibly become MORE irritating? I swear I nailed the Studio 54 comparison before I read that article!
