Well, cigarette smokers now have one thing on their side

I can’t say that I expect almost anything I see in the movies to be based in reality, but I have to admit that this story diffuses one of the cooler effects around.
Petrol lit with a cigarette? Only in the movies

…if you find yourself tied up and doused in petrol don’t worry if all your assailant has is a lighted cigarette: scientists have proved you won’t end up as a human fireball…

(Richard Tontarski, an expert in forensic fire at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms research laboratory in Beltsville, Maryland) began looking into the problem because arson suspects frequently claim a petrol fire was started by accident. “The person claims, ‘I accidentally threw gasoline on my girlfriend, she was smoking and she burst into flames*’,” he said…

To find out whether this was possible, he and colleagues experimented. They dropped burning cigarettes into trays of petrol. They sprayed a fine mist of petrol at a lighted cigarette. They even used a vacuum device to produce the higher temperature (900-950C) of a cigarette being sucked. In more than 2,000 attempts the petrol did not ignite.

Dr Tontarski can only speculate why. The layer of ash on the tobacco, perhaps, or the petrol vapour convected away from the hottest part of the cigarette.

So is he in touch with Hollywood to demand it drops the explosive movie cliche? “Actually they are pretty well aware of it. They don’t care.”

To be honest, I can’t really say that I do either. It looks too cool on film. And even though I know that nothing’s likely to happen, I still don’t want to see people lighting up around a gas pump. That article didn’t say anything about matches and lighters.

*(emphasis mine, because really, people use that as an excuse? And expect it to work?)

Oh please

The Envelope.com: Blogs under watch by Academy

Doesn’t the academy have better things to do? Like explain how exactly Kim Basinger actually earned an award for best supporting actress. Best use of a support bra maybe…

Seriously, Oscarwatch, presumably feeds interest in their awards. Unlike, say, Oscarcast. They should be happy with the extra publicity. I think Sasha Stone should thumb her nose at the ever clueless academy, keep the name of her site and devote her considerable readership to Oscar the Grouch, who would show more curmugeonly graciousness than the same numbnuts who never gave Cary Grant a competitive award.

Half Mast

The flag across the street is flying at half-mast.

Strangely, the biggest news I’ve heard recently is that Saddam Hussein is dead. Surely that isn’t the reason. Perhaps it’s in memory of James Brown? Even the White Supremists at one of the most well known hate forums (I refuse to give them more exposure here)mourned his passing, so I guess he’d rate the honor. Strange.

Update, ahh yes, for Gerald Ford. Much more fitting. All is again right in the world.

Hello world!

Ahh initiating a new blog! The hello world part reminds be of the Kate Bush song from Hounds of Love. I think I’ll have to dig that album out.

Almost Perfect

Almost Perfect: Bad Scenes in Good Movies

Sometimes, even the greatest movies have moments that explain the existence of phrases like “gag me with a spoon”. These moments are so bad in the midst of “poetry” it it hardly seems possible, and even mere mediocrity can seem like a crime when one is brutally jerked out of temporary bliss. It may sound melodramatic, but it really sucks when you are having a great time only to have the moment die suddenly like a record dragged abruptly off the record.

Apocalypse Now is one of my favorite movies; I nearly know it by heart, I’ve read Eleanor Coppola’s Diary, watched Hearts of Darkness the documentary, read the Joseph Conrad novel, etc. But watching Apocalypse Now Redux, I am reminded of the added scene at the French Plantation, possibly one of the most boring scenes ever filmed. The movie comes to a slow, and increasing painful halt, like coming down from a high and realizing that you are going to experience the hangover before you get to pass out. It’s whiny, practically incomprehensible, and whatever point it does have was established earlier in the film. Because of this one scene I will usually just watch the original cut, which is a shame because I love some of the other added scenes, (like the second Playmate sequence.)

On the other hand, JFK is not one of my favorite films, but I found it entertaining enough. That is until I got to the final courtroom scene, which turned into a 30 minute lecture courtesy of Oliver Stone and Kevin (my voice sounds like I never finished the final stages of puberty) Costner.

It’s a movie people. Not therapy.

Bruno Kirby: RIP

So, AYH is back here while the other site is temporarily down starting with:
What!?
CNN.com – Character actor Bruno Kirby, 57, dies – Aug 15, 2006:

I guess that I’ve reached the age when the names in the news obituaries are suddenly and depressing familiar. I started noticing this when I stopped using the memorial section of award shows to go to the bathroom, and I cold actually rattle off a list of the recently deceased that had been overlooked from the list. Still, there are names that are just shockers when I see them in the headline aggregator. River Phoenix was my first big shock, Robert Palmer was a relatively recent one.  And now Bruno Kirby.  Kirby was entirely too young to die, and of leukemia off all things.

I had been wondering what happened to Kirby, as it seemed he had quite a working streak for a while there.  Rarely the biggest part of any movie, he was always memorable. In fact, normally I have to look up credit specifics for an actor, but off the top of my head I can drop his turn as the assistant editor who babysits a stoned Al Brooks in Modern Romance “So — the ‘ludes kicked in.”, young Clemenza in The Godfather II, Harry’s knucklehead journalist friend who yells “Babyfishmouth!” like it means something during charades in When Harry Met Sally, the uptight officer in Good Morning, Vietnam “Sir, In my heart I know I’m funny”. I don’t even know why they bothered to make City SLickers II without him.  (Well, for that matter why they made City Slickers II at all, but anyway…)

I was looking forward to him being a regular Hollywood sleazebag-muckity-muck on Entourage.
Definitely an actor that will be missed.

I figured if Kurt and Goldie could make it work…

Kate & Chris Split I guess that’s what happens when your marriage philosophy is this.

“You know…if you focus your attention on that, you are always wondering if your husband’s out there cheating on you and personally I think if things are happy in the home, we’re having a good time,” she explained. “If for some reason that’s what he has to go do, I just don’t want to know. As long as things are good in our house, please just don’t get caught…To me there is nothing more attractive when I see my husband finding another woman attractive.”

“Really? That doesn’t make you jealous?” Billy wondered.

“No,” Kate said with a laugh.

Or this.

“…you say we’re not having fun anymore what are we going to do?” Kate said. “And you realize its over, its time to hopefully move on and experience, experience your life.”

Yeah.  Well, if you’re not having fun…  Screw that “’til death do we part” malarkey.

Someone at Elle Magazine hates Lindsay Lohan

Or they hate me. Because, with one interview they have achieved what I once thought was impossible. What hanging out/feuding with Paris Hilton, screeching poorly written “pop” songs, sleeping with Valderrama and Carter, skipping out on work with childish excuses that make ‘the dog ate my homework” seem like the height of plausibilty and originality, and generally acting like the sort of skanky star-struck groupie that band-aids would look down on, couldn’t do. They have made me dislike Lindsay Lohan even more than I dislike Jennifer Lopez. (What with Lopez dropping out of the Dallas fiasco and staying away from all media outlets, I dare say I may even *like* Lo the elder original recipe. Well, I don’t actively despise her anymore. But I digress.) Dislike is too active a verb. Maybe just dismiss. Well since she’s 20, I’ll settle for smacking her mama. Who is clearly even more clueless.

I was taking a trip through Lohanland, and if I had to pen a travel article on my stay there, it would be one-word short, and in the diction of its indigigenous people: “Whatever.” -Andrew Goldman

Seriously, she comes across as a vacuous, vain, stunningly self-obsessed, whiny, entitled, though not uncharismatic, moron. With fabulous hair. So far, so good. Classic Lindsay. I love it.

God love her, those are perfect qualities for a movie star. But if you’re a starlet name-checking Meryl Streep, Garrison Keillor, and people who actually work for a living, if you are going to bitch about paprazzi chasing you while giving them your private cell phone number, if you’re going to insist that people respect you whe you miss work intervies, and generally waste everyone’s time while insisting that you are a hard worker, well honey, be glad God loves you because the rest of us can no longer be bothered. For the love of all that’s holy girl, don’t speak. The skanky pictures are one thing, let people speculate all the want. But LiLo, Lins, unless you have a script writer on retainer, shut up!

I’m a big believer in karma, hence the fact that I’ve studied kabbalah.

Yeah, I have a dark side. I go to my dark side. I watched all these videos on Charles Manson for a while.

Those are among Lilo’s more intelligent quotes. Her secret visits to museums, her desire to take the high road with Paris Hilton (after spilling the dirt of course) and her lofty ambition to entertain the troops all by herself as the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe’s Sex-Kitten-Pin-Up image in Iraq are even better. She’s trying to arrange a trip to the Middle-east with Hilary Clinton, a woman who has been suggested as a candidate for the first female president of the United States and the person she wants to emulate? A druggy, insecure, mediocre actress with extensive body work, and self destructive taste in men. Suddenly it all seems so clear.

And Nina Garcia? Don’t ever let me catch talk about a designer’s “taste level” being “vulgar”! You and your minions dressed that girl up like Jodie Foster’s child prostitute meets Julia Robert’s Pretty Woman meets Dead-Eyed-Studio-54-Coke-Whore.* Plus, you obviously didn’t actually read the article that went with those skanky photos because you’d know that we can indeed “get enough of” Rachel Zoe’s Lindsay Lohan’s personal style.

*I guess should have expected as much from the good friend of Lohan’s style guru Rachel Zoe. Man, can Nina Garcia and Michael Kors opssibly become MORE irritating? I swear I nailed the Studio 54 comparison before I read that article!

Defamer: Mel Gibson

The Highlights: They do it so much better than I can, and they care more. Besides, I already knew the man was off his nut.

http://phoenix.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/roadwarriorcloseup.jpg

If there’s one lesson that we can all take away from the Mel Gibson incident (besides the obvious one about not chugging a bottle of Cazadores before driving home at 90 mph on a twisting, well-patrolled stretch of beachside highway, and all the stuff about not blaming a failed Breathalyzer on the microscopic Jews hiding inside it), it’s one about the importance of forgiveness in a moral and tolerant society. After a week spent personally calling each individual of Jewish extraction in the 310 area code to beg for, and eventually receive, absolution for his sins, it’s time for Gibson’s fellow Christians to finally embrace their flawed brother. And embrace him they will after reading this press release’s eloquent plea for forgiveness, in which the actor is very aptly compared to the protagonist of the iconic feel-good movie of the talkie era, It’s a Wonderful Life.

Defamer: Mel Gibson:

They don’t make ‘em like they used to

TomKat (or Kato or Tomatie as I prefer)? Bennifer I and II? Bragina? Will And Jada Smith, John and Kelly Travolta? Demi and Ashton? Mike and Catherine? Is this really the best powermatching Hollywood can do?

The best couple I’ve heard in ages was the short-lived fabled Tom Cruise/Rob Thomas hookup.  I would have actually been excited if it were true. In the light of the ubiquitous power celebrity couples with absolutely no heat or chemistry, I was recently waxing nostalgic for the time when I actually cared about celebrity matchups and had idols who seemed like their love was pure and true, and fed my fantasy that I too would one day briefly find the one true love of my life and then we would be tragically be ripped apart by cruel forces beyond our control and our even greater passion for our art.   (give me a break, I was 13 at the time, and just flexing my drama queen skills.  It’s a wonder I didn’t wind up writing Harlequin novels.  Seriously, though can you even begin to picture a romance novel based on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  Where they actually end up with each other, I mean?)

So in good old fashioned dear diary style:

My favorite celeb couples and -er- hook-ups: (I’ve got to stop watching VH-1 and the E! channel.)

Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman

Yeah it’s an obvious and easy choice. She’s stunning, he’s gorgeous, even at, what are they now, 100 years old?  They are celebrated talents, contributors to charity and the theatre arts and dance. They’ve been together for eons and they still seem to have a healthy sense of humor about life and each other.  If they are not as good as they look, well, I don’t care and I don’t want to know.

Joni Mitchell and Graham Nash

They lived in Laurel Canyon in the heady sixties and were angsty and poet-y and placed flowers in vases by freshly lit fires while listening to each other’s love songs written only for them.

I think I feel faint.

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton

I don’t care how many men Taylor married, I only count the 2 times she married Ricard Burton. And the 69.42 karat mega-lith? Not pink.  Now that’s a man who knows how to buy mega bling.

Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy

Tess: I was kind of hoping you might like to kiss me goodbye.

Sam:  I was kind of hoping you’d ask.

Good enough to make it my favorite screen kiss of all time. Watching Hepburn breathlessly walk into the door afterwards gets me everytime.  Can’t say I blame her.

Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis

I think they might actually beat out Newman and Woodward.

Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks

See? No couches were harmed.

Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed

© Guido Harari

Quite possibly the coolest couple ever.

Madonna and Sean Penn

Yeah, they’re both huge tools now (and probably were then) but at least they were fun to watch.

Iman and David Bowie

I wouldn’t even care if they didn’t like each other. They look otherworldly together.

Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder

True dysfunctional geek love

Batman and Catwoman

Yeah so they’re not real. But they should be. Vicky who?